Commitment

There is so much involved in that 10-letter word.

It encompasses so many charged feelings for me. But this morning, I’m looking at commitment a little differently.

I have felt like I haven’t fully committed to this 365 Days of Me journey, and I have been really hard on myself for it.

But the truth is—I have.

Healing and growth aren’t linear.

Someone pointed that out to me when I apologized for being absent from the Facebook group. I needed to hear it, but honestly, it didn’t really resonate with me at the time. Instead, I felt like they were handing me an acceptable excuse to be a quitter.

But this morning, something clicked.

I haven’t quit. I’m just not where I imagined I would be in this journey at this point.

Those are two very different things.

It has been close to a year since I’ve eaten McDonald’s or had pop of any kind. That is a BIG deal!

On days when I struggle with my eating or eat more sweets than I should, I still choose movement afterward to help with the sugar spike. I continue to do several little things that keep me connected to the commitment I made to myself.

I AM committed.

I’m just not committed in the way I want to be yet.

I want the kind of commitment I had the first time I took this journey. That die-hard, nothing-is-stopping-me, I-AM-DOING-THIS kind of commitment.

I’m just not there yet.

But I’m working to get there.

The health part of this journey is very hard when you’re also fighting addiction. So for me, this time around, the little wins matter.

Actually, they matter A LOT.

The little wins keep me connected to my journey, and I am going to celebrate each and every one of them.

I’m also not as active as I would like to be inside the Facebook group. And let me just be brutally honest here—I don’t feel much support there, so there isn’t much keeping me excited about it.

There are a handful of people who interact with the posts, and I appreciate every one of them, but no one is really INVOLVED, if that makes sense.

It’s difficult to keep pouring energy into something that isn’t really giving anything back.

Maybe that’s the wrong way to look at it. Maybe it isn’t.

But I do know that I have to put my energy where it supports me, too.

Last week, I started walking in the mornings before my daycare kids get here, and it has already made a difference in my overall mood.

Having that little bit of time to wake up and invest in ME before I have anyone pulling at me has put me in a much better headspace. I’m calmer. I’m less distracted. And I start my day knowing that I have already done something for myself.

During one of those walks, I decided to make another commitment:

365 Days of Walking.

Every morning—or sometime during the day—I am going to get outside and walk.

I’m not talking about miles.

I’m not talking about some huge workout or fitness goal.

Right now, I have a simple little route that takes me about 12 minutes.

That’s it.

Twelve minutes of movement. Twelve minutes outside. Twelve minutes of fresh air. Twelve minutes that belong to ME.

Every. Single. Day.

Wind. Rain. Snow. Heat.

I’m doing it.

And I have already started investing in that commitment.

Yesterday, I bought a coat because winter is coming. I bought a head wrap, a breathable face mask, and dog pepper spray because one of my biggest concerns about walking in the dark is loose dogs.

The dark makes me uncomfortable, too.

But I’m going to face that fear and do it anyway.

I feel like I have prepared myself well, and I will overcome it.

Maybe THAT is what commitment really looks like for me right now.

Maybe commitment isn’t always waking up every morning fired up and ready to conquer the world.

Maybe sometimes commitment is struggling and still coming back.

Maybe it’s eating the thing you wish you hadn’t eaten and choosing to move afterward instead of saying, “Well, I already screwed up.”

Maybe it’s disappearing for a while and then showing back up.

Maybe it’s buying the winter coat because you know there will eventually be a cold morning when every part of you wants to stay inside.

Maybe commitment isn’t perfection.

Maybe commitment is simply refusing to quit.

So if you’re struggling with your own commitment right now, stop measuring yourself against the version of this journey you imagined you would be living.

Look at what you’re actually doing.

Find the little things you’re still holding onto. Find the choices you’re making differently than you did a year ago. Find the moments when you could have completely given up—but didn’t.

Celebrate those things.

Then choose ONE small thing you can commit to today.

Not forever.

Not perfectly.

Just today.

Because all of those little choices are keeping you connected to the person you are trying to become.

And tomorrow?

Get up and choose yourself again.

Journal Prompts

1. Where am I calling myself inconsistent or uncommitted when the truth is that I simply haven’t reached my goal yet?

2. What “little wins” have I been overlooking because they didn’t feel big enough to celebrate?

3. What is one small commitment I can make to myself every day that says, “I still choose me”?

If this sounds like the kind of work you’re ready to step into, you can join us in 365 Days of Me: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1271760971664323