The Battle Between Reason and Addiction
I have been struggling to get back on track since finishing the shop, so I decided to grab the 365 Days of Me: 30-Day Rewire Your Autopilot and test it out myself.
Since I am developing this program as I go, the materials are being created after I move through the experience.
The truth is, I'm stuck. I need help getting back to me.
So I decided to recommit and dig in. This felt like the best place to start. My hope is that it gives me a jumpstart and helps move my focus back in the right direction.
I completed Day 3 last night before bed. The topic was your inner voice, and honestly, that's where I'm struggling the most right now.
I'm caught in a battle between my inner voice of reason and my inner voice of addiction.
The voice of addiction is loud.
And right now, it's winning.
Every night I go to bed telling myself, "Okay, today is over. Let it go. Tomorrow is a new day. Do better tomorrow."
Yesterday my plan was simple: eat only protein and give my body a chance to work through some of the extra sugar that's hanging around in my system.
I did great all morning.
Then lunchtime came.
The daycare kids ate, went down for nap, and suddenly the house got quiet.
No problem-solving.
No questions.
No interruptions.
Just silence.
And apparently, silence is dangerous.
I popped a frozen pizza into the toaster oven and turned on the TV.
"Oh, that looks like a good series."
One episode turned into another.
Now here's the thing: my ADHD does not allow me to just sit and watch TV. I have to be doing something else too. So I started scrolling Facebook and playing games on my phone while watching.
Eventually I got bored with my phone.
The show was still good.
The pizza was gone.
So I grabbed a piece of carrot cake.
Then I wanted another.
That's when the fight really started.
You don't need another one.
You're not hungry.
You're bored.
Get up and do something.
Work on the shop.
Clean up a crafting mess.
Do the dishes.
Anything.
Then I looked at the clock.
Great.
Now I've wasted nap time watching TV and don't have enough time to get involved in anything productive.
Just eat the cake.
But wait.
Your blood sugar was already 184 before the pizza.
If you eat another piece, you're probably going over 300.
Come on, JaSi.
Is cake really worth risking your health?
And back and forth it went.
The voice of reason.
The voice of addiction.
The voice of reason.
The voice of addiction.
Over and over.
The crazy part?
I never got up.
I sat there and argued with myself until the voice demanding the cake got so loud that I finally gave in.
Then I ate the second piece while feeling guilty with every single bite.
And that is the part that blows my mind.
Why?
Why is this the thing I struggle with?
Why can I clearly see what's happening and still do it anyway?
Knowing.
Understanding.
Wanting something different.
And still finding yourself pulled toward the thing you know isn't serving you.
Thankfully, when the kids got up from nap, the TV went off.
We marched around the room for twenty minutes singing and chanting. They had a blast, and honestly, I needed the movement.
After that, I spent ten minutes on the shake plate.
I managed to keep my blood sugar from crossing 300 and ate only protein for supper.
I didn't have a perfect day.
But I also didn't completely surrender.
This morning I woke up with a fasting blood sugar under 200.
That's still more than twice what it should be, but it's also significantly better than the mid-to-high 200s I've been waking up to for months.
So maybe the lesson isn't that I failed.
Maybe the lesson isn't that I don't know the pattern.
I know the pattern.
I've known the pattern for months.
The quiet house.
The TV.
The boredom.
The food.
The bargaining.
The guilt.
None of that is new.
What frustrates me is that I can see it happening while it's happening and still find myself participating in it.
I can tell myself no.
I can list all the reasons why I should say no.
I can remind myself of my goals.
I can even predict exactly what my blood sugar is going to do.
And somehow that voice still gets loud enough to wear me down.
Maybe that's what Day 3 was really showing me.
Not that I have an autopilot pattern.
I already knew that.
Maybe it was showing me just how exhausting it is to argue with yourself every single day.
The good news is that today is a new day.
The crockpot will be going before nap time.
I'll keep journaling.
I'll keep paying attention.
And I'll keep showing up, even on the days when the voice of addiction is louder than the voice of reason.
Because giving up isn't an option.
You know what jumps out at me?
The pizza wasn't the real trigger.
The cake wasn't the real trigger.
The trigger was the transition from chaos to quiet.
You spend hours solving problems, answering questions, moving, thinking, helping. Then nap time hits and your brain suddenly has nothing to do. That's when the dopamine-seeking starts.
The TV wasn't relaxing you.
It was creating the perfect environment for the addiction voice to take over:
Quiet + sitting still + food + entertainment + no immediate responsibilities.
That's a powerful combination.
The fact that you identified the sequence is actually a huge win. You can't interrupt a pattern you can't see.
Journaling Prompts
What am I actually seeking during nap time: food, comfort, stimulation, reward, rest, or escape?
What does the voice of addiction promise me in the moment, and what does it actually deliver afterward?
If I treated nap time like a planned self-care appointment instead of unstructured free time, what would I choose to do differently?
If this sounds like the kind of work you’re ready to step into, you can join us in 365 Days of Me: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1271760971664323
