What?? Why??
Why Am I So Grouchy?
I have been excited all week for Saturday to get here so I could spend the day creating.
Then I woke up this morning irritated.
What???
Why???
Seriously, where did that come from?
I slept great until about 4:30 this morning, so what is going on?
I'm hoping some coffee and journaling help turn this around because I am not interested in wasting a perfectly good Saturday with a bad attitude.
Last night, Dawn and I drove to Bedford and had dinner at The Junction. On the drive home, I let out two big sighs and suddenly realized something.
I was relaxed.
Not just "having a nice evening" relaxed.
Deeply relaxed.
Peaceful.
For the first time in what feels like forever, I felt calm.
I turned to Dawn and said, "I think I finally feel at peace."
What I didn't fully realize until that moment was just how much this shop and daycare move has taken out of me.
For over a year, I've been carrying the mental, emotional, and physical weight of this transition. Every day there was another project, another problem to solve, another thing to move, organize, build, fix, clean, or figure out.
And now...
It's done.
I can finally breathe again.
Honestly, I think I'm recovering.
That might sound dramatic, but with my health already struggling, this move put an enormous strain on both my body and my mind.
The pressure is finally lifting.
I am excited again.
Excited to create.
Excited to make things.
Excited to play.
Today I want to make sidewalk chalk and Soap-Doh. How fun is that? I get to create things for kids, and let's be honest, I have the best product testers in the world waiting for me on Monday.
So why did I wake up so grouchy?
Because I'm ignoring the elephant in the room.
My health.
I've eaten out the last three nights in a row.
I stopped at Hen House Market for a loaf of sourdough bread and somehow came home with chocolate cake and lemon poppyseed cake too.
Why, JaSi?
After everything I've overcome in my life, is food really the thing that defeats me?
Why is this one so hard?
Because if I'm being honest, I know exactly why I feel so bad.
I know with complete certainty that my unhealthy eating habits and lack of consistent movement are major contributors to the health struggles I deal with every day.
I've proven it to myself over and over and over again.
When I eat better, I feel better.
When I move more, I feel better.
When I sleep well, I feel better.
Yet somehow I keep returning to the same habits that make me miserable.
Why?
This morning I realized my frustration isn't really about waking up grouchy.
It's about disappointment.
I'm disappointed in myself.
I'm frustrated that I spent money I didn't need to spend.
I'm frustrated that I continue to ignore the one thing I claim is important.
I'm frustrated because I spend all day noticing what my body is struggling with, then go to bed every night knowing I did very little to support it.
The truth is, my health consumes my thoughts while I simultaneously avoid dealing with it.
That is such a bizarre contradiction.
Maybe the real question isn't why I keep failing.
Maybe the real question is this:
What part of me is still stuck in survival mode?
For over a year, all of my energy went into getting through the move, rebuilding the business, reorganizing life, and simply keeping my head above water.
Now the chaos is settling.
Now there is space.
And maybe that space is forcing me to face the one thing I've been pushing aside.
Myself.
Maybe this isn't failure.
Maybe this is awareness.
Maybe recovery isn't just finally feeling peaceful.
Maybe recovery is finally being honest enough to look at the things that still need healing.
And perhaps that is exactly where the next chapter begins.
The hard truth is that awareness without action creates frustration. But awareness with action creates change.
You don't need to fix your entire life today.
You don't need to lose 100 pounds today.
You don't need to reverse diabetes today.
You only need to make the next decision.
One healthier meal.
One walk.
One glass of water.
One early bedtime.
One promise kept to yourself.
The life you want isn't built through dramatic transformations. It's built through thousands of small choices that quietly say, "I matter."
Today isn't ruined because you woke up grouchy.
Today might actually be the day you finally stop looking away.
Journaling Prompts
What am I afraid will happen if I fully commit to prioritizing my health?
In what ways am I still living as though I am in survival mode, even though the crisis has passed?
What is one small action I can take today that would make tonight's version of me proud?
If this sounds like the kind of work you’re ready to step into, you can join us in 365 Days of Me: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1271760971664323
